Why I don't like wearing my hair up and...Where was I?

Let’s see here; I started to read that book. What was the name of it? Oh yeah, The Beck Diet. I lost interest when I was given tasks to do the first day. Simple ones really but clearly too much for me to handle. I think it was the part about picking a diet plan. If I could follow a fucking diet plan, I wouldn’t be in this predicament for the last 15 years. Wait, it’s been over 17. SEVENTEEN YEARS! WTF?!! OMG! Well GEEZUS if that isn’t another damn reason I need to get rid of this body armor I carry. My son, who is 17, will graduate next June. Last one of my babies and I want to be okay with my picture being taken with him. I want my head to be the right size for my body. I know, what the hell? I have walked with Hubs for the last four nights and in my shadow I see this large person with too small head. I need to fix this NOW. So by June, before June I want to see my shadow and say to myself “Self, your body and head belong together.”

I’m shaking my head here because when I started to write this I wasn’t sure about what. Then I was going to write about how I didn’t keep reading that book, how I’m looking at another (when I say looking, I mean ‘looking’ because I have the book, have had it for two years, even started reading it back when I bought but for the last several days have not had the time to even start it, again), how I started tracking my food and (lack) of exercise on my iPhone via two Apps to decide which was better, then kind of stopped doing that AND how I have really cut back on sugar and portions, without tracking and the supplements I’m taking are finally, FINALLY helping me. I am in the middle of the lightest “monthly gift” EVER. Yet, somehow, I get sidetracked. Yes, I’m still working on balancing my hormones. This may take a while.

I blame my kitchen!

It’s my kitchens fault that I’m fat.

I know, I am half owner of the house that has the kitchen so that makes it MY fault (partly) but I don’t want to go THERE at the moment. Our house is a tract home built in 1956, not really that old, yet the kitchen has NEVER been updated. Our kitchen counters, sink, cabinets and floors are FIFTY-THREE years old. I KNOW, WTF. We have lived in the house for 22 years yet we didn’t actually purchase it until 7 years ago. Approximately. We have every excuse in the book as to why we have not gutted the damn thing and at least, AT LEAST brought it up to current building codes. Geezus! As I write this, I’m getting more pissed off about it. Hence the body armor I carry. Arrggghhh!

ANYWAY. It’s old and ugly and nasty and I think THIS is why I don’t like to cook. I also think of cooking as a chore, like exercise and I don’t make the time because I dread it. Usually, I’m trying to work it into my schedule. About half the time, I give up and order take–out. Like exercise, I would like to like to cook. I like to bake but we don’t want to be doing that right now.

So, since we don’t have the funds or the time to take a sledge hammer to the counter tops (yes, I have fantasies about this) being that our mortgage company just suspended our Home Equity Line of Credit (something about the “economic downturn” and tanking of housing values) and Hubbs is getting ready to go on a long, expensive hunting trip; I’m going to clean that shit up. I need to clear that negative, stagnant energy. I’m thinking I need to act like I’m moving out (hmm, another fantasy I have, often.) I know I have some spices up in them there cupboards that have been there for 22 years. I’ve probably had some of them for almost 30. OMG!! I can’t believe I just admitted that in writing. Oh the shame.

I want to get excited about cooking and creating healthy meals for me and my family. I know I can do this. I love watching cooking shows and I am always inspired to cook great things. I save and have piles of recipes that I have yet to make. What a better way to learn how to eat healthy and lose weight. I’m going to check out some Mediterranean recipes right now.

By the way, this is a revelation I had at about 1:30 pm today. Where does this stuff come from and why doesn’t it show up sooner? Am I really that slow? Don’t answer that.

Fat fun in the sun

Hubbs and I spent the weekend away with all the kids and we all actually had a lot of fun. Why am I surprised? Because I have a husband, three kids and a grandson that have completely different personalities. They all have opinions, they all crash and burn at different times and getting them to make a unanimous decision is almost impossible. Of course when Hubbs and I are paying for everything they are all not only willing, they tend to go with the flow more than they normally would. Saturday was just fun, fun, fun. Sunday we were all tired, couldn’t make up our minds and then by 3 pm we had had enough of the togetherness. Time to go home.

I am the one who has to learn not wear their crap. I can let myself get into quite a funk if I let their moods get under my skin. I did really good. I only had one beer and one glass of wine all weekend. Normally these people drive me to drink a lot and EAT. I did eat but I didn’t stuff myself as usual. No, I did not read my new book or ever write until we got home. This weekend was about family and fun. I was conscious of how I was feeling for the most part so I wasn’t easting (or drinking) emotionally. AND I walked. A LOT. So I would say I was plenty active.

I did discover some things about myself; I am afraid I will get too hungry and then eat out of control. Like just now, a little hunger twinge and I’m looking for a snack. I do have blood sugar issues so this is an area I need to fine tune. I feel the need to eat whatever everyone else is eating; social drinker AND eater. Ugh. I almost didn’t fit on a couple of rides at the amusement park this weekend. Double UGH. And that little statement makes me sick to my stomach. Then, I saw the pictures Duchess took this weekend (that she posted on Facebook!) and OH MY GOD! What the hell was I thinking. Shame shame shame. I have been and still am in major denial. OBVIOUSLY I need to focus on my eating and activity. DUH. Not focusing on what the hell I’m doing to my body has gotten me here. BIG FAT ASS COW here. I’m seriously thinking I need to print up one of those pictures and keep it with me so whenever I want to eat something I know I should pass on, I can look at it and then go throw up instead. If for no other reason than to get over my denial.

I know what I NEED to do. Now I just need to do it.

Has anyone seen my hormones?

Oh, right. There they are, on top of my forehead with my reading glasses. Sheesh.

I really do want to post more. It’s just that I am so easily distracted and I get bored so quick. Oh look, over there, something sparkly!

I’ve decided I have something to blog about instead of, or in addition to, all the fun drama going on in my life. I’ll mine my psychotic ramblings in my journal when safe to do so since I have great material in that there thang. I would have to edit (A LOT) because it is the scribbling of a hormonally whacked out sugar fiend who has decided it is TIME. Time to stop. Stop with the sugar, the Vodka (nooooo!) and start moving her fat ass. Damn it!! Well, that is if I can pay attention long enough and REMEBMER to take my fucking progesterone.

I know, oh no, not this again. Oh wait , that’s me talking (thinking?) to myself. Sorry but this is a great idea. One that I know is out there already, all over the place. I’ve seen the blogs but I don’t care, I NEED to do whatever it takes here. And I need support. Yes, I need help. There, I said it. Can someone please help me?

I HATE that I have to focus on food and exercise. Focus on what I’m going to eat. Wait, I do that just fine. I’ve been on the See-Food diet forever. Maybe I need to focus on what I’m not going to eat. Oh hell, I don’t know. And then there is focusing on that dreaded exercise. I want to want to exercise but it’s just so much work and really, I don’t think I have ever done this exercise thing. Not for more than five minutes or so. Fine, I have done it before but I DIDN’T LIKE IT.

I have been practicing this stuff for about five days now. Eating less, not drinking Vodka (nooooo!), thinking about how I’m feeling and breathing. The breathing thing is coming in handy. It’s keeping me alive. In, out, in out…easy. ANYWAY, I’m trying to find calmness within myself especially with all the drama that suddenly is rearing its ugly head once again. More on that later. Maybe. I like the calmness and I REALLY like that I feel a bit more balanced without Vodka (I know, I’ve said it before, I’m SLOW). By the way, when I say Vodka, I’m referring to all alcohol but mostly Vodka. I love you Vodka but I have to break up with you.

Enough rambling.

So, I bought a book (only one this week –odd) The Beck Diet Solution Weight Loss Workbook (by Judith S. Beck of course). I’m going to try it and I’ll blog about it too because I’m thinking this could be very beneficial to me and right now THAT is all it is about. ME!! Okay, and anyone else out there struggling with slothism. Nope, not a word.

Word

I feel so much better. Life is wonderful again. I can see the light. There is hope. My energy is coming back. YES!! This is all because my back is not hurting any more. THAT was a bad one. I’ve had my back go out on me a few times but I don’t recall t having as much pain as I did this time. That’s it. I’m making changes so I hopefully don’t ever have to feel that again. Well, I was trying to implement changes when my back went out but obviously I have to start slower. I’ve been stretching, a very minor amount of core tightening and a bit of walking with the intent to increase the activity slowly. Did I say I’m feeling soooo much better?

I’m already bored with hearing myself think about that stuff. Not that I’m going to stop, I just get tired of talking/writing about it. I need to just do it!

Other things I am doing or want to do…Read all the books I have piled up; Always Looking up by Michael J. Fox. I’m into that one at the moment. Julie and Julia by Julie Powell, It Sucked and Then I Cried by Heather Armstrong, Pretty in Plaid by Jen Lancaster and SO MANY MORE…Shoot, shoot and shoot some more; I have all these ideas I want to capture yet I’m still waiting (or stalling?) to get a photo editing software installed on my new computer so I can do something with all the photos I already have. I can’t decide which one I want or how much I want to spend, or not spend. So, yeah, shooting more? Ah, who am I kidding? I haven’t had much time to do that lately. Not with my new health regime. HA! That and I am the master procrastinator. And I need to get to organizing, which basically means I need to clean out a lot of shit from my house. Yes, I am also a prolific packrat.

Then there is paralysis by analysis, CRS, ADD, etc.

I know, rambling nonsense. This is what happens when the phone rings, nature calls, Princess barges in to ask a question….

What the HELL?!

How nice is this? I decide to finally do something to help myself and this is my reward.

My chiropractor has been ‘encouraging’ me to strengthen my core for the last few months. He says it will help keep my lower back stable. I get it. I’ve had lower back problems ever since after Princess was born. Probably something to do with weight gain. Duh. So, I talk to my sister, the massage therapist/Pilates instructor because I was trying to do some minor core work on my own but I was in pain. My whole body just ached, especially the last few weeks. She tells me to come over and she will give me some stretching exercises to do. Some ‘pre-Pilates’ was her term. Because she thinks I need to start slow, real slow and she is correct. I am sloooowwww. I did the stretches with her Thursday evening then I did them again Friday morning on my own, obviously incorrectly. Turns out I’m fucking lame too! This is also when I realize that I ran out of Glucosamine a few weeks ago and damn it, I always forget that this shit really works for joint pain. Well by 11 am that morning I was in excruciating pain. I could not sit still, had to keep standing up at work because it hurt to sit too long. I managed to get into my chiropractor after work where he was able to give me some relief but two times in and out of the car on the way home and I was right back where I started. So much pain some moments I was nauseous. Doc, bless his heart, told me “you’re a tall drink of water” meaning, I’m sure, “you are tall and you have a lot of upper body weight pressing down on your weak lower back. Lay your ass down on some ice for a few days. No twisting or bending either” and sent me home with mega doses of Glucosamine. There went the weekend. I have been unable to sit up long enough to write. When I try to join the rest of my family in the living room for a few minutes I am so uncomfortable I can’t sit still. Back to the bedroom I go with my ice pack.

I’m presently a double martini, two Tylenol and three Ibupfrofin in to the evening and I can sit up to do this.

I keep saying I am going to give up food. I know, I KNOW, I need to eat to live. Then I think maybe temporary Bulimia would do the trick but “I flunked” that. Obviously I seriously need to get this weight off unless I want to be in pain forever. There are so many other reasons I need to lose weight but I’m so bored hearing myself think about them all the time. Damn it! I need to JUST DO IT. I’ve done it before but that was before I discovered that I love Vodka. Apparently that is the main thing I need to quit but that will have to be once my back is at least not SCREAMING at me when I try to get out of bed, I can stand up without listing to one side and I can bend over to pick up all the crap I keep dropping on the floor.

Back says it’s time to stand up for a few minutes and go get a new ice pack.

I really need to get back to this

I also need to get to walking daily and working on my core. Every day I think about these things, every day I plan to do them and then, well, shit happens and I am so lazy.

At the moment I should be in the shower getting ready for work but I just love this new morning time I have. Time to drink coffee, write, read, blog, exercise...yeah.

Really, I had a point here. Something I wanted to blog about, something to say and damn if it didn't flit away as I wrote the title. So scattered. How the hell does anyone keep up with me in a conversation? Oh yeah, they don't. When I do this, Hubby shakes his head and usually gets impatient with me. Whatev.

I need to practice slowing down. Focus. Finish the first thought, then go on to the next. And then I get bored. What's that joke?

Q: How many people with ADD does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Wanna go ride bikes?

Oh, shit! I must get into the shower now. How bad would that look if I was late to work when it's four minutes from home?