It's official

I'm a codger. Except a codger is a man and I'm definitely not a man. Okay, then, I'm just a cranky old bitch. 

I went to the Zoo today to take some pictures. I don't know what I was expecting. I'm thinking I was expecting quiet. I mean, it is a Zoo and people should respect the animals a little bit. I guess I wasn't expecting people to be there either. Well there was a lot of people there. Kids, kids and more kids. Okay, I get it, it's a zoo. You take your kids to the Zoo to see the animals. 

At this point though, I have lost faith in humanity just a little bit more. There were these sandwich signs, EVERYWHERE, politely requesting that we be quiet; like a Coyote.  You know, for the animals. Yet kids were screaming and yelling and running and yelling. I don't blame them, I blame the parents. Most of the kids were preschoolers who can't read the signs but their parents who had to get a drivers license to drive them to the Zoo should be able to read. I did not see one parent tell their child or children to be quiet. Not one. Then I saw one parent tell her kids to step over the ropes, into and onto the flowers and climb on a statue so she could take a picture of them. Seriously?

I caught myself actually saying "shhh" to one girl who was yelling back at her friends/family that she found the Elephants. 

It was all too overwhelming. I did find a quiet spot near some bears and stood there enjoying the peace for a moment and chatting with a Volunteer. Then a little boy climbed up a tree, got stuck and starting yelling for his mom. Where was she when he decided to violate that tree. 

Yep, this country is going to hell in a hand basket if parents don't step up and teach their children right from wrong. It starts with teaching them manners and respect. 

And I'm spent. That little shit show of a trip kicked my ass.

Moving my ASS

Today I read about meditating, which, believe it or not, actually helps me. Then I took a twenty minute walk after I drank my green smoothie. Then I started watching a video about becoming a functional human being - body wise. Had to pause to go to a Doctors appointment for a physical. All is well. Blood pressure is good, gave some blood (for tests) and got a referral for an EKG. Gotta check on my ticker due to palpitations. Probably just hormonal but who knows. Next up, whenever they call to schedule, a colonoscopy. Oh, yay.  Then I went to the Walmart - always an interesting trip here in Northern California.

Came back home, ate a couple of hand fulls of vegetables, some cheese, some salami, some rice crackers and hummus and watched the rest of the video.

Holy hell! I always think I need to move, I need to get my neglected body in shape and I feel like I would have to just focus on that and nothing else before I could move on to the other things I want to do. I end up procrastinating and not doing anything. I just need to stand up, walk, move, and move some more. Always.

So yes, today my focus is physical vs bat shit crazy mental. Which actually should be every day. Did you know, we should all be able to squat? We should also be comfortable sitting on the floor with our legs crossed, like the lotus position. As you probably guessed, I can't do any of those things and that is oh so wrong. I really want to squat without pain and weakness. I would also like to get up off the floor in that same manner. What the fuck?!! How did this happen? Oh yeah, a desk job for fifteen years didn't help. And here I am sitting at my desk. HA! Well this shit is going to change.

Yes, I know, baby steps. I'm the queen of going full blast in to something and then crashing and burning because I did too much. Kind of like this blogging thing. How many times have i quit because I just couldn't keep up? No need to answer.

Okay, been sitting here long enough. Time to get up and do something. NO, I'm not going to go take a nap. Not going to take a nap. Not going to take a nap.....

RBF

I have RBF aka Resting Bitch Face syndrome. It's a pretty serious case and has gotten considerably worse as I've gotten older. Wrinkles, especially the "eleven" between my eyebrows, will do this to a face. In all fairness though, it's genetic. Between my father's strong forehead, nose and chin, OH that chin, and my mother's round Irish face and small mouth, we were doomed. We meaning me, my sister, my son, my daughters, my grandson, my granddaughter and my niece and nephews. 

For years I have thought it was just me and lately I notice more how much it affects others. I get strange reactions from people at times, some hostile. 

I can list so many instances where people have responded negatively to me and I would get confused. Then I would be so self conscious and just want to crawl under a rock. 

I constantly get the "Smile", "It's not so bad", "What are you looking at?", "What's your problem?" or "Are you okay?." Then there is the just plain rude people who react as if I'm being rude.  Apparently I can be very intimidating to anyone who is insecure, mostly men that are shorter than me, which is a lot of them.  And more often than not, I am looked to as the leader in a situation. Seriously, I wonder some days how I'm going to make it through introducing myself without acting a fool. Leader, shmeader, Pffft.

Others have a hard time reading me. While I kind of like keeping some people on their toes at a distance, it does make interacting with others very difficult for a 5'11" introverted woman.

Then today, watching my niece respond to a comment someone made, I saw her face. It was totally just a blank kind of stare but it looked like she was irritated. I saw a slight reaction in the other person and it hit me that my niece gets the same responses I get. My beautiful, fresh faced, sweetest niece. 

It doesn't seem to bother her or my other relatives that they have it. Maybe mine is the worst case? What is a bitch face to do?

Why in the fuck to I care so much? I mean, Resting Bitch Face could be a sign of strength and confidence.  

I will learn to Rock it! Wear it proudly. Stop trying so hard to put on that fake ass smile. And it is fake when people tell me I have to.

Okay, now I must crawl out of this rabbit hole I fell into and get some chores done. 

I'm BAACK!

The latest news is... back on July 1 of last year, I quit my "9 to 5" soul sucking, stuck in a cubicle for eight-plus hours a day, working for corporate bullshit america job. I had no plan. I still have no plan. 

Thankfully my husband, my gown children, my grandchildren and my sister all say they like me better since I quit. I'm not so angry and negative and exhausted all the time.  I like me better too. I think. Wait, yeah, I do but I still feel lost and aimless. 

So I've decided I'm now going to use this as a daily journal. Except more like a five day a week journal, with time off for weekends, sick days, holidays, and vacations. You know, like a job but not. I may post on my "days off" if the mood strikes me. We shall see. 

Right now I'm stream of conscience typing because I just need to DO THIS. I need to do something. Damn it.

There will be spelling errors, typos, run-on sentences, disjointed paragraphs, confusion, rambling, crazy shit....you name it, you will find it all here. I may need to eventually get some professional help but first, lets try this here experiment for a bit.  

I'm hoping I can gain some clarity and move forward in my quest to figure out what the fuck I want to be when I grow up. Yes, I'm fifty-three yet I feel like I'm emotionally fourteen (physically I feel ninety-five) and I've been looking for my purpose, my place in this world...for what seems like my whole life. 

So, buckle your seat belts, keep your hands inside the ride and hang on. 

WTF?!

Lady from corporate that used to work in this office is visiting. She is doing some presentation. Whatever. I met her a about a year and half ago but she was very cool towards me this morning when I said hi. I thought, it was just an awkward moment but then I walked past her a little later, asked her how she was doing and she ignored me. Granted she was distracted by the boss but really? So I smile at her a little later and nothing. Is it me?

So, tired of this corporate world I am currently working in. People are just cold. I want to be Me but the reaction I get from others, here, in this workspace, is just icky. Competitive, back stabbing, judgemental, FAKE and NOT nurturing in any way shape of form. And I want OUT!! But then there is New Zealand. I need to pay for my trip so I need to stay here. At least until then. In the mean time, I want to be working on another plan. Another job. A real career. Doing what I love...something creative. The difficult part(s) figuring out exactly what that is while appreciating all I have and still keeping the drive to move forward. See my dilemma?

I realize I need to suck it up, work harder and smarter and FOCUS. So I'm trying this new age thing; Sleep. I keep thinking I need meds or sleep or both and I probably do but in the mean time I'm going to start with enough sleep. This is not an easy task as I tend to fight it. Afraid I'm going to miss something I guess. And, well, there just isn't enough time in the day. Been doing this for a few days and I'm already seeing a bit of a difference in my attitude. Clearly this is like other natural therapies; it takes a while for it to get into the system and really work.

I'll check back in a week, maybe sooner, to see how I am doing.

Stuff my Momma used to say...

"You'd bitch if you were hung with a new rope." Well hell yeah, I would! It would be more itchy than an older one. Sheesh. This came to mind while I was getting ready for work this morning and getting really irritated by...well, everything. Like this typical California weather: one day it's rainy, cold and flooding. The next it's freaking 80 degrees! What the hell? How am I supposed to dig out all of my warmer weather clothes on such short notice? Don't get me wrong, I LOVE this weather. I guess I just don't change gears, or clothes, well. Then there is the fact that my closet is so full I can't barely fit my clothes in there and they always get wrinkled so then I have to iron them. I don't have time for that crap. Yeah, yeah, I KNOW. I need to appreciate it ALL and I do but do you see what my momma was talkin about? I bitch about everything. I really don't like this about myself - so here I go, bitching about that. I just can't win.

Well hello there...

Yes, it has been a while. I REALLY need to use my time more wisely as I have a lot of down time at this job. Mainly because I tend to not like the work and put it off as much as possible. Terrible? I. KNOW! So once again, I'm thinking I need to vent here so at least I'm doing something...constructive? Yeah, right. Who the hell is really reading this crap o'mine? I have these crazy ideas of having a real blog, with like, real content. My photos and thoughts (that make sense) and stuff. Not this hormonal, bi-polar, psycho babbling gibberish I have been (not) posting here. It really is about the hormones. And the sugar. I need serious help but I don't want to take meds. So I have been exercising since last summer. Yes, me. On a sorta regular basis. Really, I have. Don't give me that look. Ask my sister. She is the one who has been kicking my ass. Someone has too. I have lost a little weight, inches and at least one size. Still have a long way to go. Oh and I stop taking the HUNDREDS of dollars of supplements I was taking for EIGHT fucking years. You know what? I don't really notice a difference. Still a cranky bitch, always my first thoughts go negative and just plain stuck in a rut. I have been shooting (photographs) and writing (to myself. Kinda like right now) and... well, you know. Still stuck in this hole trying like hell to appreciate all I have in my life hovering between overwhelmed and underwhelmed. Blah.
Okay, this is depressing. It's supposed to be funny. Ha. Think I just need to shorten my entries and do it more often.
Gotta go, the committee (the one in my head) is telling me to knock this crap off and get my ass moving. Oh and clean out that damn work email in-box. Ugh.