False alarm

"Echo is normal. No concerns" 

That is the email I received from my doctor, right before I was going to email her.

I emailed her back asking if there was something wrong with the EKG. She explained the the EKG tests are not perfect and the Echo gives a clearer picture. 

Well that was a fun 72 hours of wondering if if was going to DIE. 

And now that I have a clear cardio bill of health, I have no excuses to not move my ass more. 

Did about thirty minutes of Pilates this morning and just got back from an afternoon walk with my two favorite ex-coworkers. 

Tonight I'm going to see if I get Hubs to do some light pilates or stretching. Wish me luck.

Echo?!

While I was visiting my Doctor last week for a physical, I just happened to mention to her that I have these random heart palpitations. Nothing scary, I just thought I should tell her because they happen when I'm sitting and really doing nothing. So she refers me for an EKG saying it's probably nothing and a baseline EKG would be good to have.

No biggie. I dropped into the EKG department Friday morning. It was quick, surprisingly quick and I chatted with the tech about how I have a friend who is also an EKG tech in another city. Then around 3:30 or was it 4:00 I get a call from my Doctor.

The first thing she asks "How are you feeling?"

I say fine.

"Are you having any chest pains or shortness of breath?"

I tell her no as I can feel my heart rate shoot through the roof. What the hell?

She proceeds to tell me there is an area on my right side that looks a bit sluggish and then goes into percentages and statistics about shit I don't remember. My heart feels like it is going to beat out of my chest. Then she says since were are doing other work ups (blood work, EKG, fucking colonoscopy) that she is going to refer me for an Echo Cardiogram...and then she tells me what that is and that if I feel any acute pain in my chest, arm, jaw and/or shortness of breath to call 911.

Again, WHAT THE HELL?

I spent the whole weekend trying not to worry about this, waiting for the call to come in for an ultrasound of my heart, wondering if the pounding in my chest and head is just a forty-eight hour panic attack or something much worse.

Oh the horrors I can imagine when left to wander around in my head.

I got the Echo at 10 am this morning. Have I heard back yet? NO! I was told the cardiology department will look at it before lunch and I should hear back today. Tic Toc people.

So. Many. Thoughts. Mostly blaming myself for what the hell could be wrong. I mean really, it would be no one elses but mine. Right? I know, not healthy.

I'll just keep busy as possible and wait.

I'm emailing the doctor at 4.

To be continued...

Change of plans

Happy Friday!

As I wrote a few days ago, I planned on using this forum for a daily journal. Well, I've now decided I will sill use this to post thoughts, observations and what-not but probably not every day. I know, I have so little focus and follow through. Really, who am I kidding? This is just my place to bitch and moan and spew word vomit. 

So maybe I should change the name of this blog to "Word Vomit." No? Okay, I won't.

What I would really like to do is use this one as a warm-up, train of thought, and/or practice so I can focus on my work of getting a real, respectable blog going. 

You see, after posting yesterday, I fell into a shame spiral. Feeling so crappy about complaining ALL THE TIME. That is all I do. That is all I did. I have to stop. That shit is keeping me stuck in the mud. I'm done. I'll let you know how this goes...

I'm thinking of writing about crap I know nothing about. Like maybe this election. HA! How the hell could I write about something I know nothing about?

Whatever I write about will have to be short because I can be the master of distraction and procrastination or is that the other way around: procrastination and....yep, there I go. 

Hopefull I can came back here with something witty and intelligent once in a while.

Peace! 

It's official

I'm a codger. Except a codger is a man and I'm definitely not a man. Okay, then, I'm just a cranky old bitch. 

I went to the Zoo today to take some pictures. I don't know what I was expecting. I'm thinking I was expecting quiet. I mean, it is a Zoo and people should respect the animals a little bit. I guess I wasn't expecting people to be there either. Well there was a lot of people there. Kids, kids and more kids. Okay, I get it, it's a zoo. You take your kids to the Zoo to see the animals. 

At this point though, I have lost faith in humanity just a little bit more. There were these sandwich signs, EVERYWHERE, politely requesting that we be quiet; like a Coyote.  You know, for the animals. Yet kids were screaming and yelling and running and yelling. I don't blame them, I blame the parents. Most of the kids were preschoolers who can't read the signs but their parents who had to get a drivers license to drive them to the Zoo should be able to read. I did not see one parent tell their child or children to be quiet. Not one. Then I saw one parent tell her kids to step over the ropes, into and onto the flowers and climb on a statue so she could take a picture of them. Seriously?

I caught myself actually saying "shhh" to one girl who was yelling back at her friends/family that she found the Elephants. 

It was all too overwhelming. I did find a quiet spot near some bears and stood there enjoying the peace for a moment and chatting with a Volunteer. Then a little boy climbed up a tree, got stuck and starting yelling for his mom. Where was she when he decided to violate that tree. 

Yep, this country is going to hell in a hand basket if parents don't step up and teach their children right from wrong. It starts with teaching them manners and respect. 

And I'm spent. That little shit show of a trip kicked my ass.

Moving my ASS

Today I read about meditating, which, believe it or not, actually helps me. Then I took a twenty minute walk after I drank my green smoothie. Then I started watching a video about becoming a functional human being - body wise. Had to pause to go to a Doctors appointment for a physical. All is well. Blood pressure is good, gave some blood (for tests) and got a referral for an EKG. Gotta check on my ticker due to palpitations. Probably just hormonal but who knows. Next up, whenever they call to schedule, a colonoscopy. Oh, yay.  Then I went to the Walmart - always an interesting trip here in Northern California.

Came back home, ate a couple of hand fulls of vegetables, some cheese, some salami, some rice crackers and hummus and watched the rest of the video.

Holy hell! I always think I need to move, I need to get my neglected body in shape and I feel like I would have to just focus on that and nothing else before I could move on to the other things I want to do. I end up procrastinating and not doing anything. I just need to stand up, walk, move, and move some more. Always.

So yes, today my focus is physical vs bat shit crazy mental. Which actually should be every day. Did you know, we should all be able to squat? We should also be comfortable sitting on the floor with our legs crossed, like the lotus position. As you probably guessed, I can't do any of those things and that is oh so wrong. I really want to squat without pain and weakness. I would also like to get up off the floor in that same manner. What the fuck?!! How did this happen? Oh yeah, a desk job for fifteen years didn't help. And here I am sitting at my desk. HA! Well this shit is going to change.

Yes, I know, baby steps. I'm the queen of going full blast in to something and then crashing and burning because I did too much. Kind of like this blogging thing. How many times have i quit because I just couldn't keep up? No need to answer.

Okay, been sitting here long enough. Time to get up and do something. NO, I'm not going to go take a nap. Not going to take a nap. Not going to take a nap.....

RBF

I have RBF aka Resting Bitch Face syndrome. It's a pretty serious case and has gotten considerably worse as I've gotten older. Wrinkles, especially the "eleven" between my eyebrows, will do this to a face. In all fairness though, it's genetic. Between my father's strong forehead, nose and chin, OH that chin, and my mother's round Irish face and small mouth, we were doomed. We meaning me, my sister, my son, my daughters, my grandson, my granddaughter and my niece and nephews. 

For years I have thought it was just me and lately I notice more how much it affects others. I get strange reactions from people at times, some hostile. 

I can list so many instances where people have responded negatively to me and I would get confused. Then I would be so self conscious and just want to crawl under a rock. 

I constantly get the "Smile", "It's not so bad", "What are you looking at?", "What's your problem?" or "Are you okay?." Then there is the just plain rude people who react as if I'm being rude.  Apparently I can be very intimidating to anyone who is insecure, mostly men that are shorter than me, which is a lot of them.  And more often than not, I am looked to as the leader in a situation. Seriously, I wonder some days how I'm going to make it through introducing myself without acting a fool. Leader, shmeader, Pffft.

Others have a hard time reading me. While I kind of like keeping some people on their toes at a distance, it does make interacting with others very difficult for a 5'11" introverted woman.

Then today, watching my niece respond to a comment someone made, I saw her face. It was totally just a blank kind of stare but it looked like she was irritated. I saw a slight reaction in the other person and it hit me that my niece gets the same responses I get. My beautiful, fresh faced, sweetest niece. 

It doesn't seem to bother her or my other relatives that they have it. Maybe mine is the worst case? What is a bitch face to do?

Why in the fuck to I care so much? I mean, Resting Bitch Face could be a sign of strength and confidence.  

I will learn to Rock it! Wear it proudly. Stop trying so hard to put on that fake ass smile. And it is fake when people tell me I have to.

Okay, now I must crawl out of this rabbit hole I fell into and get some chores done. 

I'm BAACK!

The latest news is... back on July 1 of last year, I quit my "9 to 5" soul sucking, stuck in a cubicle for eight-plus hours a day, working for corporate bullshit america job. I had no plan. I still have no plan. 

Thankfully my husband, my gown children, my grandchildren and my sister all say they like me better since I quit. I'm not so angry and negative and exhausted all the time.  I like me better too. I think. Wait, yeah, I do but I still feel lost and aimless. 

So I've decided I'm now going to use this as a daily journal. Except more like a five day a week journal, with time off for weekends, sick days, holidays, and vacations. You know, like a job but not. I may post on my "days off" if the mood strikes me. We shall see. 

Right now I'm stream of conscience typing because I just need to DO THIS. I need to do something. Damn it.

There will be spelling errors, typos, run-on sentences, disjointed paragraphs, confusion, rambling, crazy shit....you name it, you will find it all here. I may need to eventually get some professional help but first, lets try this here experiment for a bit.  

I'm hoping I can gain some clarity and move forward in my quest to figure out what the fuck I want to be when I grow up. Yes, I'm fifty-three yet I feel like I'm emotionally fourteen (physically I feel ninety-five) and I've been looking for my purpose, my place in this world...for what seems like my whole life. 

So, buckle your seat belts, keep your hands inside the ride and hang on.