Mindfulness, for reals!

Had to get a blood pressure check yesterday. Not a big deal except that mine tends to go up when at the Doctor's office. The whole driving through traffic, looking for parking, having to park in the back forty, walking up the hill and then the wait. While waiting, I'm wondering if they are going to weigh me too. Ugh. Then I'm thinking what if my pressure is too high? Why is my heart beating so fast? Damn it, now a hot flash. They're going to have to admit me. I am not kidding, shit like this goes through my mind all the time. I usually just let the thoughts pass on through but these ones were hanging out for the ride.

Finally, the nurse calls me in. I take off my jacket and sit down, she hooks me up and I decide I need to calm the fuck down. So, I start thinking of my new grandson, then my granddaughter, then my older grandson, their perfect faces especially when they see me after a way too long absence. Then I'm at the top of 'my' ridge with the ocean on one side and the forest on the other....

Done. Blood pressure was great.

And now I have proof that this mindfulness or meditation or whatever it is actually does work and I, of all people, can call upon it's magic when I need it most.

If I can do it, anyone can do it.

Peace.

A little less thinking and a lot more action please

To the tune of Elvis Presley's "A Little Less Conversation"

My new motto is:

Simply do it.

Whatever it is, just stop thinking about it and 'get r done'.

I spend far too much time thinking about everything, researching, searching, wondering, looking for the correct way or ideas or whatever. Usually until I am overwhelmed and then i'm in analysis paralysis.

STOP!

I make 'it' difficult. I make 'it' complicated. I make 'it' inconvenient.

'It' being mostly what I don't feel like doing or don't know if I want to do it or, shit, anything.

Where did I get this deeply ingrained belief that if anything is difficult, I don't want to do it? Or if there is a chance I won't do it perfectly (correctly) then I shouldn't even try?

I know I've said this before; I need therapy.

For now, I'm going to get off my ass and DO SOMETHING.

The Holidays

The busiest time of year.

Yes, I am so thankful I am not currently working and my husband is healthy after two years in a row of  December first surgeries. Yet, I am still feeling the impending onslaught of overwhelm.

Well, damn it. I need to just stop and quit my complaining.

On that note, my goal of posting here most days may be put on the bottom of the priority list. I guess it already has been through the Thanksgiving Holiday since I haven't posted in several days.

Hey, family time (and eating too much) come first.

I do have a project I'm working on that will hopefully keep me sane during this time.

Creating and learning are my jam!

Now, back to designing and ordering my Christmas cards.

Note to self

Do not ruminate about my in-laws with their ignorance, cluelessness, and sick family loyalty.

One BIL in particular. Well actually two but...OMG, I am just flabbergasted that this shit keeps coming up.

I got to vent about a recent encounter to my BFF and I feel better. No need to go over it again, making myself raging mad and disgusted.

I will talk to my husband about it just so he is clear why I was irritated after the encounter and also so he will know that I don't trust them and will limit my time around them.

Life is far too short and precious to be around people who support deplorable (fucking understatement) family members, just because they are family, and are insensitive to said family member's victims feelings up to and including telling them "people just need to get over it."

I am oh SO thankful that I do not have to be around these people for the holidays anymore.

A decision

One decision made.

I do not want to do bookkeeping, accounting or payroll anymore. If I can help it.

Speaking with a family member who has her own bookkeeping business and LOVES what she does helped me with this decision. She works from home or wherever she is needed but she chooses her hours. That part sounds great. But, I don't love bookkeeping or that type of work. Yes, I can do it but no, I don't want to. I have done that for most of my adult life and I did not love it even a tiny bit.

Now, if things here change and I must get a traditional job then of course I may need do exactly what I don't want to do and make the best of it.

In the mean time...what the hell am I going to do?

Music

I'm always surprised by the way music affects my mood. 

Currently listening to Adele's 21 album.  Her voice is so beautiful. 

I need to spend more time listening to new music to me. 

I also need an anthem. Wonder if I could choose just one. I really need one that gives me power and energy and courage. 

I'll work on this as I go through my iTunes library and CD's. That's right, I still have hundreds of CD's. I still have cassettes, and a crate of vinyl too. There is probably an 8-track tape buried in there too. If there is, it's Paul McCartney's Ram album. I won't even get into the pile of VHS tapes we still have. Nope, no reel to reels. 

Next up: Taylor Swift's Shake it off! I need to move my ass and WAKE UP.

Happy Friday!

Creating, experimenting, and making mistakes

Wait. On the topic of the fear of making mistakes...

What if I feel as if I'm doing it all wrong already? Then really there is no fear of making mistakes because I'm already making mistakes. Ha! Chew on that psychologists.

Seriously though - I need to just go big, put myself out there, think way outside the box... all that shit.

Right now though, I'm still recovering from yesterday morning when I woke up at 2:00 AM and couldn't go back to sleep. I went to bed at 9:00 pm last night but obviously didn't sleep well because I'm  still feeling sluggish and stabby today. The same way I felt for ten rough years doing payroll for corporate america.

So, instead of beating myself up for doing it all wrong today and pushing myself to experiment with, hell, I don't even know, I'm going to put on some music and make a paleo(ish) desert. Because damn it, I NEED CHOCOLATE.

Peace.

I know what I want to do

I just need to deal with all my baggage to get clear on what direction to go.

Or do I? What is that quote? Leap and the net will appear.

It is always on my mind. It's what I read about and research the most. It makes me lose track of time. I don't notice if it's cold and my fingers are frozen, until I stop. I don't notice if it's hot and I'm melting, until I stop.

If it looks like a passion, smells like passion, tastes like passion... it must be my passion. My thing. My love. My gift. My duty. My calling.

Why in the hell do I resist? Why do I keep looking for something else?

Fucking fear.

Searching for my tribe

I tried a photography Meet-up group thinking I would get to talk and hang out with fellow photography lovers. The first meeting was a "coffee and talk." I ended up sitting at the end of the table with the gear head males. They were nice and I learned a few things from them, about gear. The next meeting was a Zoo shoot where I did meet the organizer of the group. She wasn't very warm or friendly and was clearly a gear head as well. I met a few more of the group as we ran into each other throughout the day, and they too were gear head males. I decided this wasn't who I wanted to hang out with. I know, maybe should have tried a few more meetings.

Then I decided to try a class at the local community college. There, I thought, I would be exposed to like minded people, and maybe make some connections.  What the hell was I thinking? It's an institution. Not that there is anything wrong with that but most of the people are in there early twenties working towards degree's and jobs. And really, I don't want to be graded because then it's work and stress. Plus I realized, this class wasn't going the direction I wanted. I did learn a lot in the time I was there and will use those tools going forward.

So, next? Maybe a workshop or seminar or a few of each. Maybe a different Meet-up group.
I'm thinking a group of mostly middle-aged women, creatives in a similar place in life as me.
One can wish.

Stuck

This again. Here I have some time. It's quiet. I've done some reading this morning that inspired and motivated me. It's a beautiful sunny day and I even went for a walk.

Yet here I sit with thoughts cruising into my head and then right on out into the ether. It's like trying to catch bubbles. 

This happens far too often and is one of the (many) reasons I had to withdraw from the class I was taking. I could not come up with an idea for the next project. I would see a bubble of an idea, reach for it, and watch it disappear over and over. 

This right here is why I have been struggling to figure out what to do with myself. What to create, what to work towards, how to make an income that isn't location dependent...

Yes, I am aware and oh so thankful that I have the privilege of this time and space to even think like this. 

I forgot

I woke up this morning, apparently having forgot that the election even happened, for a few calm moments. Then I saw my news feed and the cloud of shock and sadness descended.

I know, I wrote about choices yesterday. Today I want to choose love over fear. I'd like to do this every day but my heart aches for the souls that have been and still are subjected to hate on a daily basis. How do they choose love over fear?

People are saying it will be okay. How do you tell that to the human beings that are being attacked verbally and physically by some ignorant and hateful supporters of our newly elected President? This shit is happening right now across the country.

What the HELL America?!

My stomach hurts and I have no idea what to do with myself, let alone how to help others.

So many thoughts. So many feelings.

Love

"Hate won the battle.
Love wins the war."

Yesterday, I saved the title of this post as a draft so I would remember what I wanted to write today, once this election was over. I had no idea how it would turn out yet I had hope that it wouldn't turn out like it did.

I went to sleep last night with a heavy heart and an upset stomach. I started this day vacillating between tears of deep sadness and rage.

Currently my search is on for messages of hope, peace, and love. I am finding them and feeling a little better. I know we will be okay. I know we need to find the good. I know I need to focus on the positive and stop my constant ruminating on the negative.

And remember...

I get to choose who I want to be here:

Kind
Hopeful
Patient
Curious
Supportive
Understanding
Strong
Tolerant
Wise
BRAVE
Humorous
Generous
Calm
Loving...

Because ONLY LOVE CONQUERS HATE

Energy

"Don't settle. Don't finish crappy books. If you don't like the menu, leave the restaurant. If your'e not on the right path, get off it." ~ Chris Brogan

When I read that quote, I decided to withdraw from the class I'm taking. The minute I (finally) made the decision, my energy soared. Is soared the word? Whatever. I immediately felt lighter. Clearly the class projects were getting to be too much for me. Maybe it was the indecision that was dragging me down. Maybe my energy needs to be spent on more important things. I hate quitting but it just wasn't my jam. Life is way too short to continue on that path.

Next.

Done!

Current events

I've decided I'm not discussing the Republican candidate for President anymore. Not even with my husband. I don't like who I become when I participate in any conversation about him. He represents all the hatred, anger, negativity, and disgust in this country. Ain't nobody got time for that shit.

To be clear, I am NOT for Her either.

Peace.

Took me forever to get back on here

Okay, it didn't really take me take over five months (five months!!) to get back on here. It took me the better part of an hour today though.

The reasons for my absence are the usual: short attention span, travel, family events, starting a class at the local community college, exhaustion, no follow-through, new grandson... Oh, and life.

Then I came across Seth Godin, again. So here I am. I must do this most days because I really do want to write.

First off I am depleted today and focusing on any task is proving to be extremely difficult. I'm trying like hell to kick my butt into gear here. Getting enough sleep is apparently not in the cards for me this week.

Current dilemma: this class I'm taking has taken a back seat to caring for my newest grandchild three days a week. When I started the class, I had those three days to get the work done along with all the other things I needed to do. Well now not only am I missing that time, I'm worn out. To be fair, this week has been the hardest due to 04:30 wake up times. But still, I keep thinking I just need to drop the class.  Yes I want to learn the topic and I like what little feed back I'm getting. I just can't help thinking, not only could I learn this on-line for free at a pace I can deal with, I'm not sure I want keep expending what little energy/stamina I have on something I more than likely won't be using all that much of. And, is a classroom atmosphere really where I should be? Always so much to think about. Ugh.

Really, when it comes down to it, what is the most important thing to me? Bonding with my grandson. Duh!

False alarm

"Echo is normal. No concerns" 

That is the email I received from my doctor, right before I was going to email her.

I emailed her back asking if there was something wrong with the EKG. She explained the the EKG tests are not perfect and the Echo gives a clearer picture. 

Well that was a fun 72 hours of wondering if if was going to DIE. 

And now that I have a clear cardio bill of health, I have no excuses to not move my ass more. 

Did about thirty minutes of Pilates this morning and just got back from an afternoon walk with my two favorite ex-coworkers. 

Tonight I'm going to see if I get Hubs to do some light pilates or stretching. Wish me luck.

Echo?!

While I was visiting my Doctor last week for a physical, I just happened to mention to her that I have these random heart palpitations. Nothing scary, I just thought I should tell her because they happen when I'm sitting and really doing nothing. So she refers me for an EKG saying it's probably nothing and a baseline EKG would be good to have.

No biggie. I dropped into the EKG department Friday morning. It was quick, surprisingly quick and I chatted with the tech about how I have a friend who is also an EKG tech in another city. Then around 3:30 or was it 4:00 I get a call from my Doctor.

The first thing she asks "How are you feeling?"

I say fine.

"Are you having any chest pains or shortness of breath?"

I tell her no as I can feel my heart rate shoot through the roof. What the hell?

She proceeds to tell me there is an area on my right side that looks a bit sluggish and then goes into percentages and statistics about shit I don't remember. My heart feels like it is going to beat out of my chest. Then she says since were are doing other work ups (blood work, EKG, fucking colonoscopy) that she is going to refer me for an Echo Cardiogram...and then she tells me what that is and that if I feel any acute pain in my chest, arm, jaw and/or shortness of breath to call 911.

Again, WHAT THE HELL?

I spent the whole weekend trying not to worry about this, waiting for the call to come in for an ultrasound of my heart, wondering if the pounding in my chest and head is just a forty-eight hour panic attack or something much worse.

Oh the horrors I can imagine when left to wander around in my head.

I got the Echo at 10 am this morning. Have I heard back yet? NO! I was told the cardiology department will look at it before lunch and I should hear back today. Tic Toc people.

So. Many. Thoughts. Mostly blaming myself for what the hell could be wrong. I mean really, it would be no one elses but mine. Right? I know, not healthy.

I'll just keep busy as possible and wait.

I'm emailing the doctor at 4.

To be continued...

Change of plans

Happy Friday!

As I wrote a few days ago, I planned on using this forum for a daily journal. Well, I've now decided I will sill use this to post thoughts, observations and what-not but probably not every day. I know, I have so little focus and follow through. Really, who am I kidding? This is just my place to bitch and moan and spew word vomit. 

So maybe I should change the name of this blog to "Word Vomit." No? Okay, I won't.

What I would really like to do is use this one as a warm-up, train of thought, and/or practice so I can focus on my work of getting a real, respectable blog going. 

You see, after posting yesterday, I fell into a shame spiral. Feeling so crappy about complaining ALL THE TIME. That is all I do. That is all I did. I have to stop. That shit is keeping me stuck in the mud. I'm done. I'll let you know how this goes...

I'm thinking of writing about crap I know nothing about. Like maybe this election. HA! How the hell could I write about something I know nothing about?

Whatever I write about will have to be short because I can be the master of distraction and procrastination or is that the other way around: procrastination and....yep, there I go. 

Hopefull I can came back here with something witty and intelligent once in a while.

Peace! 

It's official

I'm a codger. Except a codger is a man and I'm definitely not a man. Okay, then, I'm just a cranky old bitch. 

I went to the Zoo today to take some pictures. I don't know what I was expecting. I'm thinking I was expecting quiet. I mean, it is a Zoo and people should respect the animals a little bit. I guess I wasn't expecting people to be there either. Well there was a lot of people there. Kids, kids and more kids. Okay, I get it, it's a zoo. You take your kids to the Zoo to see the animals. 

At this point though, I have lost faith in humanity just a little bit more. There were these sandwich signs, EVERYWHERE, politely requesting that we be quiet; like a Coyote.  You know, for the animals. Yet kids were screaming and yelling and running and yelling. I don't blame them, I blame the parents. Most of the kids were preschoolers who can't read the signs but their parents who had to get a drivers license to drive them to the Zoo should be able to read. I did not see one parent tell their child or children to be quiet. Not one. Then I saw one parent tell her kids to step over the ropes, into and onto the flowers and climb on a statue so she could take a picture of them. Seriously?

I caught myself actually saying "shhh" to one girl who was yelling back at her friends/family that she found the Elephants. 

It was all too overwhelming. I did find a quiet spot near some bears and stood there enjoying the peace for a moment and chatting with a Volunteer. Then a little boy climbed up a tree, got stuck and starting yelling for his mom. Where was she when he decided to violate that tree. 

Yep, this country is going to hell in a hand basket if parents don't step up and teach their children right from wrong. It starts with teaching them manners and respect. 

And I'm spent. That little shit show of a trip kicked my ass.

Moving my ASS

Today I read about meditating, which, believe it or not, actually helps me. Then I took a twenty minute walk after I drank my green smoothie. Then I started watching a video about becoming a functional human being - body wise. Had to pause to go to a Doctors appointment for a physical. All is well. Blood pressure is good, gave some blood (for tests) and got a referral for an EKG. Gotta check on my ticker due to palpitations. Probably just hormonal but who knows. Next up, whenever they call to schedule, a colonoscopy. Oh, yay.  Then I went to the Walmart - always an interesting trip here in Northern California.

Came back home, ate a couple of hand fulls of vegetables, some cheese, some salami, some rice crackers and hummus and watched the rest of the video.

Holy hell! I always think I need to move, I need to get my neglected body in shape and I feel like I would have to just focus on that and nothing else before I could move on to the other things I want to do. I end up procrastinating and not doing anything. I just need to stand up, walk, move, and move some more. Always.

So yes, today my focus is physical vs bat shit crazy mental. Which actually should be every day. Did you know, we should all be able to squat? We should also be comfortable sitting on the floor with our legs crossed, like the lotus position. As you probably guessed, I can't do any of those things and that is oh so wrong. I really want to squat without pain and weakness. I would also like to get up off the floor in that same manner. What the fuck?!! How did this happen? Oh yeah, a desk job for fifteen years didn't help. And here I am sitting at my desk. HA! Well this shit is going to change.

Yes, I know, baby steps. I'm the queen of going full blast in to something and then crashing and burning because I did too much. Kind of like this blogging thing. How many times have i quit because I just couldn't keep up? No need to answer.

Okay, been sitting here long enough. Time to get up and do something. NO, I'm not going to go take a nap. Not going to take a nap. Not going to take a nap.....

RBF

I have RBF aka Resting Bitch Face syndrome. It's a pretty serious case and has gotten considerably worse as I've gotten older. Wrinkles, especially the "eleven" between my eyebrows, will do this to a face. In all fairness though, it's genetic. Between my father's strong forehead, nose and chin, OH that chin, and my mother's round Irish face and small mouth, we were doomed. We meaning me, my sister, my son, my daughters, my grandson, my granddaughter and my niece and nephews. 

For years I have thought it was just me and lately I notice more how much it affects others. I get strange reactions from people at times, some hostile. 

I can list so many instances where people have responded negatively to me and I would get confused. Then I would be so self conscious and just want to crawl under a rock. 

I constantly get the "Smile", "It's not so bad", "What are you looking at?", "What's your problem?" or "Are you okay?." Then there is the just plain rude people who react as if I'm being rude.  Apparently I can be very intimidating to anyone who is insecure, mostly men that are shorter than me, which is a lot of them.  And more often than not, I am looked to as the leader in a situation. Seriously, I wonder some days how I'm going to make it through introducing myself without acting a fool. Leader, shmeader, Pffft.

Others have a hard time reading me. While I kind of like keeping some people on their toes at a distance, it does make interacting with others very difficult for a 5'11" introverted woman.

Then today, watching my niece respond to a comment someone made, I saw her face. It was totally just a blank kind of stare but it looked like she was irritated. I saw a slight reaction in the other person and it hit me that my niece gets the same responses I get. My beautiful, fresh faced, sweetest niece. 

It doesn't seem to bother her or my other relatives that they have it. Maybe mine is the worst case? What is a bitch face to do?

Why in the fuck to I care so much? I mean, Resting Bitch Face could be a sign of strength and confidence.  

I will learn to Rock it! Wear it proudly. Stop trying so hard to put on that fake ass smile. And it is fake when people tell me I have to.

Okay, now I must crawl out of this rabbit hole I fell into and get some chores done. 

I'm BAACK!

The latest news is... back on July 1 of last year, I quit my "9 to 5" soul sucking, stuck in a cubicle for eight-plus hours a day, working for corporate bullshit america job. I had no plan. I still have no plan. 

Thankfully my husband, my gown children, my grandchildren and my sister all say they like me better since I quit. I'm not so angry and negative and exhausted all the time.  I like me better too. I think. Wait, yeah, I do but I still feel lost and aimless. 

So I've decided I'm now going to use this as a daily journal. Except more like a five day a week journal, with time off for weekends, sick days, holidays, and vacations. You know, like a job but not. I may post on my "days off" if the mood strikes me. We shall see. 

Right now I'm stream of conscience typing because I just need to DO THIS. I need to do something. Damn it.

There will be spelling errors, typos, run-on sentences, disjointed paragraphs, confusion, rambling, crazy shit....you name it, you will find it all here. I may need to eventually get some professional help but first, lets try this here experiment for a bit.  

I'm hoping I can gain some clarity and move forward in my quest to figure out what the fuck I want to be when I grow up. Yes, I'm fifty-three yet I feel like I'm emotionally fourteen (physically I feel ninety-five) and I've been looking for my purpose, my place in this world...for what seems like my whole life. 

So, buckle your seat belts, keep your hands inside the ride and hang on.