The Holidays

The busiest time of year.

Yes, I am so thankful I am not currently working and my husband is healthy after two years in a row of  December first surgeries. Yet, I am still feeling the impending onslaught of overwhelm.

Well, damn it. I need to just stop and quit my complaining.

On that note, my goal of posting here most days may be put on the bottom of the priority list. I guess it already has been through the Thanksgiving Holiday since I haven't posted in several days.

Hey, family time (and eating too much) come first.

I do have a project I'm working on that will hopefully keep me sane during this time.

Creating and learning are my jam!

Now, back to designing and ordering my Christmas cards.

Note to self

Do not ruminate about my in-laws with their ignorance, cluelessness, and sick family loyalty.

One BIL in particular. Well actually two but...OMG, I am just flabbergasted that this shit keeps coming up.

I got to vent about a recent encounter to my BFF and I feel better. No need to go over it again, making myself raging mad and disgusted.

I will talk to my husband about it just so he is clear why I was irritated after the encounter and also so he will know that I don't trust them and will limit my time around them.

Life is far too short and precious to be around people who support deplorable (fucking understatement) family members, just because they are family, and are insensitive to said family member's victims feelings up to and including telling them "people just need to get over it."

I am oh SO thankful that I do not have to be around these people for the holidays anymore.

A decision

One decision made.

I do not want to do bookkeeping, accounting or payroll anymore. If I can help it.

Speaking with a family member who has her own bookkeeping business and LOVES what she does helped me with this decision. She works from home or wherever she is needed but she chooses her hours. That part sounds great. But, I don't love bookkeeping or that type of work. Yes, I can do it but no, I don't want to. I have done that for most of my adult life and I did not love it even a tiny bit.

Now, if things here change and I must get a traditional job then of course I may need do exactly what I don't want to do and make the best of it.

In the mean time...what the hell am I going to do?

Music

I'm always surprised by the way music affects my mood. 

Currently listening to Adele's 21 album.  Her voice is so beautiful. 

I need to spend more time listening to new music to me. 

I also need an anthem. Wonder if I could choose just one. I really need one that gives me power and energy and courage. 

I'll work on this as I go through my iTunes library and CD's. That's right, I still have hundreds of CD's. I still have cassettes, and a crate of vinyl too. There is probably an 8-track tape buried in there too. If there is, it's Paul McCartney's Ram album. I won't even get into the pile of VHS tapes we still have. Nope, no reel to reels. 

Next up: Taylor Swift's Shake it off! I need to move my ass and WAKE UP.

Happy Friday!

Creating, experimenting, and making mistakes

Wait. On the topic of the fear of making mistakes...

What if I feel as if I'm doing it all wrong already? Then really there is no fear of making mistakes because I'm already making mistakes. Ha! Chew on that psychologists.

Seriously though - I need to just go big, put myself out there, think way outside the box... all that shit.

Right now though, I'm still recovering from yesterday morning when I woke up at 2:00 AM and couldn't go back to sleep. I went to bed at 9:00 pm last night but obviously didn't sleep well because I'm  still feeling sluggish and stabby today. The same way I felt for ten rough years doing payroll for corporate america.

So, instead of beating myself up for doing it all wrong today and pushing myself to experiment with, hell, I don't even know, I'm going to put on some music and make a paleo(ish) desert. Because damn it, I NEED CHOCOLATE.

Peace.

I know what I want to do

I just need to deal with all my baggage to get clear on what direction to go.

Or do I? What is that quote? Leap and the net will appear.

It is always on my mind. It's what I read about and research the most. It makes me lose track of time. I don't notice if it's cold and my fingers are frozen, until I stop. I don't notice if it's hot and I'm melting, until I stop.

If it looks like a passion, smells like passion, tastes like passion... it must be my passion. My thing. My love. My gift. My duty. My calling.

Why in the hell do I resist? Why do I keep looking for something else?

Fucking fear.

Searching for my tribe

I tried a photography Meet-up group thinking I would get to talk and hang out with fellow photography lovers. The first meeting was a "coffee and talk." I ended up sitting at the end of the table with the gear head males. They were nice and I learned a few things from them, about gear. The next meeting was a Zoo shoot where I did meet the organizer of the group. She wasn't very warm or friendly and was clearly a gear head as well. I met a few more of the group as we ran into each other throughout the day, and they too were gear head males. I decided this wasn't who I wanted to hang out with. I know, maybe should have tried a few more meetings.

Then I decided to try a class at the local community college. There, I thought, I would be exposed to like minded people, and maybe make some connections.  What the hell was I thinking? It's an institution. Not that there is anything wrong with that but most of the people are in there early twenties working towards degree's and jobs. And really, I don't want to be graded because then it's work and stress. Plus I realized, this class wasn't going the direction I wanted. I did learn a lot in the time I was there and will use those tools going forward.

So, next? Maybe a workshop or seminar or a few of each. Maybe a different Meet-up group.
I'm thinking a group of mostly middle-aged women, creatives in a similar place in life as me.
One can wish.

Stuck

This again. Here I have some time. It's quiet. I've done some reading this morning that inspired and motivated me. It's a beautiful sunny day and I even went for a walk.

Yet here I sit with thoughts cruising into my head and then right on out into the ether. It's like trying to catch bubbles. 

This happens far too often and is one of the (many) reasons I had to withdraw from the class I was taking. I could not come up with an idea for the next project. I would see a bubble of an idea, reach for it, and watch it disappear over and over. 

This right here is why I have been struggling to figure out what to do with myself. What to create, what to work towards, how to make an income that isn't location dependent...

Yes, I am aware and oh so thankful that I have the privilege of this time and space to even think like this. 

I forgot

I woke up this morning, apparently having forgot that the election even happened, for a few calm moments. Then I saw my news feed and the cloud of shock and sadness descended.

I know, I wrote about choices yesterday. Today I want to choose love over fear. I'd like to do this every day but my heart aches for the souls that have been and still are subjected to hate on a daily basis. How do they choose love over fear?

People are saying it will be okay. How do you tell that to the human beings that are being attacked verbally and physically by some ignorant and hateful supporters of our newly elected President? This shit is happening right now across the country.

What the HELL America?!

My stomach hurts and I have no idea what to do with myself, let alone how to help others.

So many thoughts. So many feelings.

Love

"Hate won the battle.
Love wins the war."

Yesterday, I saved the title of this post as a draft so I would remember what I wanted to write today, once this election was over. I had no idea how it would turn out yet I had hope that it wouldn't turn out like it did.

I went to sleep last night with a heavy heart and an upset stomach. I started this day vacillating between tears of deep sadness and rage.

Currently my search is on for messages of hope, peace, and love. I am finding them and feeling a little better. I know we will be okay. I know we need to find the good. I know I need to focus on the positive and stop my constant ruminating on the negative.

And remember...

I get to choose who I want to be here:

Kind
Hopeful
Patient
Curious
Supportive
Understanding
Strong
Tolerant
Wise
BRAVE
Humorous
Generous
Calm
Loving...

Because ONLY LOVE CONQUERS HATE

Energy

"Don't settle. Don't finish crappy books. If you don't like the menu, leave the restaurant. If your'e not on the right path, get off it." ~ Chris Brogan

When I read that quote, I decided to withdraw from the class I'm taking. The minute I (finally) made the decision, my energy soared. Is soared the word? Whatever. I immediately felt lighter. Clearly the class projects were getting to be too much for me. Maybe it was the indecision that was dragging me down. Maybe my energy needs to be spent on more important things. I hate quitting but it just wasn't my jam. Life is way too short to continue on that path.

Next.

Done!

Current events

I've decided I'm not discussing the Republican candidate for President anymore. Not even with my husband. I don't like who I become when I participate in any conversation about him. He represents all the hatred, anger, negativity, and disgust in this country. Ain't nobody got time for that shit.

To be clear, I am NOT for Her either.

Peace.

Took me forever to get back on here

Okay, it didn't really take me take over five months (five months!!) to get back on here. It took me the better part of an hour today though.

The reasons for my absence are the usual: short attention span, travel, family events, starting a class at the local community college, exhaustion, no follow-through, new grandson... Oh, and life.

Then I came across Seth Godin, again. So here I am. I must do this most days because I really do want to write.

First off I am depleted today and focusing on any task is proving to be extremely difficult. I'm trying like hell to kick my butt into gear here. Getting enough sleep is apparently not in the cards for me this week.

Current dilemma: this class I'm taking has taken a back seat to caring for my newest grandchild three days a week. When I started the class, I had those three days to get the work done along with all the other things I needed to do. Well now not only am I missing that time, I'm worn out. To be fair, this week has been the hardest due to 04:30 wake up times. But still, I keep thinking I just need to drop the class.  Yes I want to learn the topic and I like what little feed back I'm getting. I just can't help thinking, not only could I learn this on-line for free at a pace I can deal with, I'm not sure I want keep expending what little energy/stamina I have on something I more than likely won't be using all that much of. And, is a classroom atmosphere really where I should be? Always so much to think about. Ugh.

Really, when it comes down to it, what is the most important thing to me? Bonding with my grandson. Duh!